Here Comes the Bride:  Katie

Bantam Books, 2007, £3.99

Rating:  ««

An already lengthy series:  I can’t believe that there won’t be more.  Katie Price’s books are about a group of girls who ride at Vicki’s Riding School.  The books are aimed, shamelessly, at girls: the covers are bright Barbie pink with silvery trimmings and a sub-Bratz character on the front.

Katie Price I know does have horses of her own, and she knows her stuff. Random House, the publishers, have a Perfect Ponies website, and the pony care tips are accurate and sensible. The stories themselves are written competently enough by Katie and her ghost writer, but without any sort of heart - nothing to really engage the emotions, or attract you to the characters. Interestingly, the most popular character on the website when I last looked, is Cara - a nervy biscuit who doesn't like going fast or jumping, and the only one who is memorable for anything other than the way she looks. Even so, Cara's big blue eyes crop up quite often, and what with Jess twirling her thick brown hair, and Darcy's plait being so long she can sit on it....

The only thing that emerges from the sludge is the insistence that one can be glam and still horsey. And isn't there enough stress on girls to look good already? Neat and workmanlike was how I was supposed to look when I was a horsey girl; at least when I was with the ponies I was well away from my parents' insistence that I "make the best of myself", and school's hawkeye inspection of you to see if you were up to getting a Deportment Girdle (No). In these books, Vicki, the owner of the riding stables "smiled, revealing her perfect white teeth. With her slim figure, thick dark hair, tanned skin and stunning silver-grey eyes, their teacher was living proof that you could be glam and still be a brilliant horsewoman." [Little Treasures] And of course you can, but isn’t it better for that not to be an issue when you're eight?

The illustrations don't help any desire the books might have for quality. Dynamo Design, who were responsible, have gone all out for cuteness. They have sub Bratz heroines, ponies from the dumpy Plasticene school of modelling and a complete disregard for accuracy. The riders' toes are all pointing firmly downwards, the saddles are utterly unlike any saddle I've ever seen; there are ponies being groomed loose, and standing there cheerfully in their stables with wide open doors. As of course they do.

I'm not usually a stickler for health and safety - my daughter often rode bareback, and you don't find that happening in riding schools these days - but in a situation like this where you have a lot of children, and loose ponies, and buckets and brooms..... I can see it being published in the Pony Club Annual entitled "What is wrong with this picture?" And if I was Vicki, owner of the riding school where this is set, I'd be scared witless of being sued when the inevitable happened.
 

Katie Price

Katie Price (aka Jordan) is much better known for other things than she is for her writing career.  Her books are ghost-written, and she is one of the newest entrants to the field, (though according to Wikipedia, one of the best paid.  A £300,000 advance, no less, from Random House.)  There are two things to be said for her series:  she does appear to know what she’s talking about, and she steers well clear of fantasy.  

Tim Teenan of The Times describes the covers of the series as “enough to rot your teeth.” I did wonder, bearing in mind that KP has now gone brunette, whether they’d change her picture on the series.  No.  As for the contents, the stories are adequate: if linguistic style is your thing, they are not “well good”. I heartily dislike their concentration on their heroines’ appearance, and the illustrations are appalling.

The Perfect Ponies Website

Katie Price’s Perfect Ponies

Here Comes the Bride (2007)

Little Treasures (2007)

Fancy Dress Ponies (2007)

Pony Club Weekend (2007)

The New Best Friend, 2008

Ponies to the Rescue, 2008

Star Ponies, 2008

Ponies ‘n’ Pooch, 2008

The following are announced but not yet out

Pony in Disguise, 2008

Stage Fright, 2009